BECAUSE, I am trying to expand the people in my life that can support me, encourage me, and help with this loneliness that continues to plague me. Today, I went to a "purpose" group for women. The "purpose" being to try and figure out what one wants from life; to figure out who you are at this point in time. I probably would not have gone, except for the encouragement of the ONE friend that I do have in my life. I was so anxious when I first arrived. I thought, what have I gotten myself into now. But as it turns out, it was not as bad as I had anticipated. The other ladies were nice. I felt bad for a couple of them. They were using walkers to get around. They need kindness in their lives. I need to show kindness. I like to help people. So maybe this is a good thing. ????
I remember that time in my life when I was in a wheel chair for a year, then a walker with a KAFO full leg orthotic, then a rolling walker, then a AFO. I had to learn to walk all over again. It almost feels like a dream. To feel so sick and unable to walk and not know what was wrong with my body. Now, I have multiple diagnoses. It seems every year or two something else goes wrong with my body. But, oh well. I keep doing as much as I can. Oops---got sidetracked! Back to the group...I worry that I cannot commit to being in a group like this one. A group that seems to depend on each other "outside" of the group. It is difficult for me to commit to anything. But isn't that what I want? What is this fear that cripples me? From whence does it come? The circuits in my brain are wired incorrectly. Research says that with each experience the brain fires, circuits are made and then they are wired together. So, positive experience gives you positive "wiring". Negative experience or trauma gives you "negative" wiring. My brain is filled with the negative. Supposedly, you can change the wiring in your brain with mindfulness, positive reinforcement, and other "tricks of the trade". It is worth a try. I have been trying for 22 years in therapy. That only took me so far. I guess this is a new road I will be traveling on...I hope it is smoother than the one I have traversed thus far.