Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A New Group


BECAUSE, I am trying to expand the people in my life that can support me, encourage me, and help with this loneliness that continues to plague me.  Today, I went to a "purpose" group for women.  The "purpose" being to try and figure out what one wants from life; to figure out who you are at this point in time.   I probably would not have gone, except for the encouragement of the ONE friend that I do have in my life.  I was so anxious when I first arrived.  I thought, what have I gotten myself into now.  But as it turns out, it was not as bad as I had anticipated.  The other ladies were nice.  I felt bad for a couple of them.  They were using walkers to get around.  They need kindness in their lives.  I need to show kindness.  I like to help people.  So maybe this is a good thing.  ????

Lou Gehrig's Disease: The Military Connection and ALS

Please help find a cure for ALS!!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

I will carry you - Michael W Smith

This is to show support for one of my fellow bloggers.  Her husband has ALS and they are having a difficult time.  I want her to know that even though there are many miles between us, I am only an instant away if she needs to talk to someone.  God Bless all those suffering with the horrific disease ALS.
Who ever reads this please just stop for a moment and ask God to give these wonderful people the strength to get through each day.

Thursday, March 24, 2011


The Vortex

"We are either the masters or the victims of our attitudes.  It is a matter of personal choice.  Who we are today is the result of choices we made yesterday. Tomorrow, we will become what we choose today.  To change means to choose to change."

John Maxwell

So what will it be?  Will I continue to be a victim of my loneliness?  Or can I find the courage to reach out of this void into the fullness of life?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Please Come To Boston in The Springtime....

The Purple Shamrock

To be anonymous in the city, walking on the crowded street alone, trying to absorb the beauty and the culture which is so different from where I live.  Friendly people, even at the toll booths...it was awesome, while it lasted.  But, back to reality it is for another day, week, month, year...do we know for how long?  No. No. NO.  If she still has a conscious, under all that anger and pain, regrets will fill her soul until there is no room for anything but...
I hope this is not the case.  I hope it is all resolved one day.  I hope she comes back to the one's that love her more than life itself.  I hope it won't be too late. 


Elie Wiesel Boston University
Judaic Studies
Elie Wiesel Foundation
 And then, I was looking for your face, on the street, in the museum, at the airport.  But you were no where to be seen...Boston was more than I could have ever imagined.  Lost, an angel lead me to the Boston University, the building for Judaic Studies for Elie Wiesel. It was purely an accident that I stumbled upon this beautiful place.  I had no idea this was here.  It was not on the list of sights to visit. I knew Elie was affiliated with Boston University.  But, how did I end up parked right in front of this building.  Was it coincidence?  Was it luck?  Was it fate?  Suddenly, I felt the connection that has eluded me, especially in the past few months.  I knew that I missed your presence in my life.  It was at that moment I became totally aware that you would always be a part of my life; a part of who I have become.  You traveled with me through the desert of my soul.  I am grateful to have had you in my life.  We shared very much over the years.  And, finally I got to experience in person some of the most cherished memories of the time we spent in each others life.

The Home of Samuel Bak
Pucker Gallery, Boston Massachusetts 
 Seeing his paintings in real life was one of the most awesome experiences I had on this trip.  Looking through his books pales in comparison to the actual paintings.  I could see the pain.  I could feel the pain swelling up in my soul; the similarities of experience; the sorrow in the eyes; and the eyes that could not see;  The broken trees; disconnection; smoke; broken dreams; broken promises--The Landscape where there is no language except the tears of the soul.  A landscape of which I am familiar.

This was near the end of my journey.
This was near the end. 
This was near.
This was. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're going to catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


A video about Movement Disorders.  Please click on the above link:  LIFE IN MOTION.
You will be directed to the Website WEMOVE.org/lifeinmotion/.


One expression of kindness can change an entire day for someone.  Be kind today.  "Pay it forward"

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Crawling out of the muck

After yesterday, I do not even feel like lifting up my head.  But, what other choice have I?  Life goes on through all the pain and suffering.  As I have said before, it is how we handle it that makes all the difference in the world.  While my heart aches and heals yet another wound, I will move on.  I will survive.  With every circumstance we are given a chance to grow, to learn.  Today, I am learning once again.  Today, I will learn to hope again. 

"Hope is nature's veil for hiding truth's nakedness."~~ Alfred Bernhard Nobel

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Family hurting family...

Why do people want to hurt each other?  There is no good answer.  But when your own family intentionally makes fun of you and hurts you, then thinks they have done nothing wrong...this is the worst feeling imaginable.  My sister's daughter said this about my daughter, "she is a few fries short of a happy meal"; "Looks like someone needs to take her meds, LMAO",  and did this publicly on her sister in laws face book page.  They were all making fun of her and calling her names.  They are not free from problems.  They all have their own issues.  But, do I make fun of them and humiliate them publicly.  NO!  I would never do that to anyone, much less my FAMILY. 

Okay...this made me laugh! Laughter is the best medicine, Right???

Just For Fun

A Dialog

I hate to complain, but my stove broke and now I feel . . .
Deranged? Yeah, deranged.

I hate to complain too, but my clothes dryer broke and now I'm. . .
Three sheets to the wind? Yeah, that's it.

Well, I hate to complain, but I've been watching too many cartoons and now I feel . . .
Goofy? Yeah.

I hate to complain, but my door came loose and now I feel . . .
Unhinged? That's right.

I hate to complain, but I've been making pecan pies all day and now I feel . . .
Nuts!  YEP

An idea: Why not laugh at the labels, not at the people?

Found this on the web site: "Will I Go Crazy" by Dr. Jean M. Bradt (his link can be found above under Lonlieness and Depression...It's not your fault.)

Monday, March 14, 2011


Okay...I am not sure I get it.  One of my face book friends gave up face book for Lent.  Did not even seem to me that she used it very much...This is not a criticism or a judgement. Maybe it is a good choice for her.  But, for me face book is a way to keep in touch with people I care about...people that are too busy with every day living to call or visit.  People that live too far away to visit. Or could it be these people don't really want to be in touch with me?   There goes that paranoia again...that insecurity that drives me insane...
Maybe I just don't understand the whole deal...would not be the first time I don't understand something and will not be the last.  Just another day of "living in loneliness".

My Child by Plumb

When they are young, a child steps on your toes.
When they are older, they step on your heart.

I have 28 years of wonderful memories and I feel blessed.  I hope someday we will make more memories together.
Love, MOM

To My Daughter

One day, you will realize how life is short...how it passes you by in the blink of an eye.  The truth about humans is that we never know how long we have here on this earth.  We could die at any moment.  Several years ago, I gave you a book and cd "I Hope You Dance".  I still hope with all of my heart that one day you will "dance".  I do not understand the choices you have made, but they are YOUR CHOICES.  I am still here for you, but you cannot blame me for all of your mistakes.  I will not accept that responsibility.  You are a grown woman and if you do not want to be a part of my life, there is really nothing more I can do.  I have tried everything I can think of to reach out to you.  You will not reach back.  If you ever reach out, I am here...waiting for you to return...Waiting for who you truly are to return. I do not recognize you any longer.  I hope you never have any regrets.  My heart is deeply saddened.  Deep down you must be sad too.  It is hard for me to believe that you have lost all the memories we shared together.  Yes, we had some rough times...but we also had many beautiful moments.  Many more good moments than bad are what I remember.  I love you. I always will.  All that I ask from you is for respect as your mother.  Until you can find that in your heart, nothing will ever change.  You will continue on your downward spiral and I will continue to hurt for you.  This is your choice.  I cannot choose the life you lead. 

Please hurry back.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Thinking of you

I suppose it is normal to wonder how you are; what you are doing; are you a grandfather again?  I don't know if you ever see this page, but if you do, I want you to know that you are still in my mind.  I still miss your "classes" and the knowledge you could impart.  I miss your sarcasm.  I wish that I could have "graduated" and received my diploma.  But we don't always get what we want in this life.  Just know that I am trying to survive the best way that I know how.  I am writing again.  I know you would say that this is a helpful "assignment".  And I agree.  It is helpful.  It would be more helpful if I knew you were reading it.  CHOICES.  Oh well, such is life--full of disappointments, trials and tribulations.  I am still waiting for happiness to find its way into my heart.  But, of all people you know the best how many scars have disfigured it; how many walls protect it.  I hope life is treating you well.

Message from God...on my face book page

To believe without seeing...

On my face book page, I use an application called "Message from God".
Here is the message:
... that it's time you stopped hiding from life, and said yes to the adventure of being alive. Enough of the routine already. Go on, have an adventure, - do what you always wanted deep within your heart. Do what brings you alive, and the universe will open doors where there were only walls."

Sunday, March 6, 2011

A Day Outside of my life...

It was cold.  It was beautiful.  There was snow everywhere.  The waves rushing in and crashing against the rocks reminded me of life.  The water rushes in and some of it settles in the sand, forever changing its composition.  Then, the rest returns back to sea, forever changing memory.  That is life.  People and events come and go.  Some leave beautiful changes on our Soul.  Others leave indelible scars that never truly heal.  But most go unnoticed as we scurry through life.  We need to live in the moment, mindful of every breath we take, every awesome energy we touch.   I felt free.  I was a part of nature, a part of the universe.

Is this how it feels to be alive?

Friday, March 4, 2011

So Much Suffering in the World

There are a lot of people suffering with fatal diseases, physical disabilites, etc.  This bothers me greatly.  While I do have a LOT of physical and medical problems, mostly auto-immune and nerve disorders, my most disabling disease is mental.  No I am not crazy or psychotic.  That would be preferable to knowing and remembering.  The memories are never far from the surface.  Sometimes, that is what controls my life.  I look down and see myself living in this fog.  I get lost and do not know the direction I am going.  I feel mentally anguished. 

But today I am going to fly away.  When I look down I will see the earth and clouds.  I will land at a new destination.  Hopefully this will keep at bay, at least temporarily, the pain of my existence.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

ALS/Lou Gehrig's Disease aka My Beloved Godmother

Here we go again.  Another person in my life is faced with a fatal disease.  Let's see, there was my cousin...Waegner's Granulomotosis. Age 50.  There was my sister-in-law...stage 4 colon cancer that had metastasized to the liver. Age 51.  And now my Godmother...ALS.  Age 73.  Although she feels blessed to have lived this long without the disease.  Her father died when she was 10 from ALS (in 1947 they called it MS because ALS was not an official diagnosis).  I don't understand why all of this happens.  But then, I am not supposed to understand.  I am supposed to know that bad things happen to good people (a book by Harold Kushner) and that it is all randomness.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Letting go is painful...

Losing someone we are close to is a difficult, painful process.  Whether it is through death or separation, we all must go through the grieving process.   Grieving is not just crying.  It is going through many different stages:  Denial, anger, bargaining, sadness/despair, and finally acceptance.  (I think this is from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.)    In my opinion this is the only way to heal.  We go through this process with God's help.  Each stage serves a purpose and brings understanding to what is happening to us.  Nothing can make the pain stop except time.  Trying to avoid it by filling the void with substances or another person only prolongs our grief.  Of course we need support and comfort, but we need these to get through the process, not instead of it.