TOUGH LOVE = DEPRESSION, GUILT, SELF-HATE, SELF-BLAME etc., etc.

How is it possible to awaken in the morning and the first thoughts flooding your mind are self-loathing, guilt, and self-hate?  Everyone keeps assuring us that "tough love" is what our daughter needs at this point in her life.  However, as a mother, I am obsessed with wondering if she is okay, wondering if she has food to eat, wondering if she has her medication, just wondering about her in general.  I think possibly that 'wondering' is the incorrect word.  More aptly put, it would be worried...worried, fearful, upset, concerned...I could go on, but honestly, no words can accurately describe what is happening in my heart, in my soul.  I do not know what to do.  Should I try to reach out to her, only to be 'slapped in the face again'?  No, she did not literally slap me in the face.  But, she was verbally abusive.  Words do hurt.   I would have rather been slapped.  Physical pain can be dealt with much easier than mental anguish.  At least, that is my opinion.

I do not know.  I feel like I am losing my mind.  I can barely function.  Please, just give my mind some peace, some relief.     Where did it all go wrong?  How did it all go wrong?  Again, everyone keeps saying this is 'her path', 'her choices', her this, her that...sometimes that makes it even worse...to know that she is choosing to 'hate' us.   I do not understand.  We made mistakes like all other parents.  But they were not so monumental that we deserve the treatment we are receiving.  She was never deprived of love or food or anything.  We took care of her for 28 years.  One person says she resents us for having to depend on us for so long and now the dependence has turned into entitlement.  I just keep wondering why.  I cannot get this out of my mind.  Sometimes, I even wonder why I exist any longer.  I wonder how I continue without this part of my soul in my life.

" They're Back "



EAGLE NEBULA
GOD'S CREATION

 In the real world the title of this blog would be a line from the movie "Poltergeist".  If you saw the movie, it is when the "evil" poltergeist return to the television and are calling to the little girl to return to the "other" world.  But here, in my world and in this blog, I am talking about the two things that seem to plague me the most in life:  Depression and Loneliness.  I went to my women's group today.  While I was there, it seemed okay.  I may have even made them laugh a few times.  Ah yes, I can be the comic relief.  But when I come home and am left drowning in my despair, I wonder what is the use of it all.  I am not sure it is a good fit.  I have only been twice so I should not be so quick to decide if it is right or wrong for me.  I can empathize with these ladies and they are suffering tremendously, as am I, in many similar ways.  Well, I just talked myself into returning next week!!  I just realized that maybe God has put me there for a reason.  Maybe, I can help them in some way or fashion.  That is really what I want...to help because it is the RIGHT thing to do.  Then perhaps, just maybe, it will lead to me feeling needed by someone in the human race, which would help my depression and loneliness (The Circle of Life).  Is not this the purpose of our life...to help others with their disabilities, pain, and suffering?  As fellow travelers on our journey Home, I do believe that is one of the most important things we as Christians can do.  Many times the Lord works THROUGH US because that is where He resides.  We are His home.  We are the vessel He uses here on earth to reach others and to help them know Him.  I have to believe that this is what He is asking of me.  At this time in my life, I need to be His helper.

FRIENDS

True friends are hard to find.  If you have one or two in your lifetime you are blessed.  I am not speaking of acquaintances.  I am referring to the friend  whom you can tell almost anything and you will not be judged in any way, shape, or form.  The word 'weird' does not enter their mind.  When you are with this friend your burdens seem lighter, life seems a little brighter.  (ha, a poet and didn' know it!!)  We are not 'made' to be alone.  We are social beings.  We are here on this earth as fellow travellers, fellow believers.  Helping each other is what will make the world a better place.  So, thank you my friend.  You are truly a blessing.  

But, close friends are not the only blessings.  Anyone that is a part of your journey here on earth has to be considered a blessing.  Those strangers that smile and say 'hello'; the people that comment on your blog; anyone that bestows kindness to you must be considered a blessing.  Because the smallest effort made to show a kindness can fashion another's day into a designers dream! 


"Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean." ~~Ryunosuke Satoro

The Open Door



The Open Door





When you are searching for an open door, you will find one.  For a while now, I have been searching for a new 'world'; a new place to find solace.  I have been led to several blogs which have touched my soul.  Blogs that have taught me that I am not alone in the sufferings of this world.  Pain is universal.  Everyone on this earth will one day have pain enter their life.  For some of us, it starts at a very young age.  For others, it comes later in life, when you least expect it.  But, it comes.  As I have said before, somewhere in this blog, it all has to do with how we handle it.  It has to do with faith and friends and family (if you have it).  We can all learn from each other.  What a blessing this is...to find fellow travellers with wonderful insights and thoughts on how to deal with our experiences.  Thank you all for your wisdom.  May God Bless each and every one of you.

Would I Take Away the Pain I Have Endured?

No, I would not take away all the pain and all sorrow.  That is what helped "water my soul" and made it flourish...even though I still sometimes live in a drought.  One day is a bud, the next a blossom, the next petals dropping off...a dying, if you will of an "experience".  But this is a part of life, a part of nature and life is a connection to nature.   It is God's Creations all intertwined like a "tapestry".   We are all a work in progress.  Unique in our design.  When our time on the earth is over, we exit as an unfinished "tapestry", with all its human mistakes.

Her Way or The Highway

I cannot stop thinking about her.  I am afraid for her.  Is it an illness or is it something totally different.  Something for which I have no words.  Everyone says "tough love" is the solution.  Let me tell you what "tough love" means to me.  First, there are the nightmares that make you wake up crying.  Let us talk about the guilt of feeling you have abandoned a part of your soul.  Then there is the fear of not knowing what will happen if she would get evicted from her apartment.  And then by gosh, there is the PAIN of loving someone so much and not wanting them to suffer.  The futlileness of being alive without them in your life.  But, that leads us to CHOICES.  This is the path she has chosen.  We have given and offered so many times to help.  We can no longer keep up the offers.  Not when she will not budge an inch.  Not when the word "compromise" is not in her vocabulary.  Relationships are two way streets.  Not a 'one way' highway where she is the "eighteen wheeler" barrelling down the highway ready to run over and destroy the very people trying to help her.  How did this happen?  When did she change?  Why did she change so suddenly?  Is it because of all that happened to her--her past haunting her?  Is it the dreaded Huntington's disease?  I need answers.  Please GOD, give me answers.  Maybe I will not like what I hear...but it would be much better than the silence I am living in right now.  The silence is deafening.  The silence is cruel.  Please, please I need answers.  Let me know what is the best path to take for everyone concerned.

The Past

"We cannot change the past, but we can change our attitude toward it.

Uproot guilt and plant forgiveness.  Tear out arrogance and seed humility.

Exchange love for hate thereby, making the present comfortable and the future promising."--Maya Angelou

This is my thought for today. 

Last evening, I was angered by someone.  But instead of arguing, I chose to go for a ride.  I looked for the beauty surrounding me.  I saw the flowers, the trees, and the sunset.  I passed by an old friend's house.  I passed by a new friend's house.  And even though I did not stop to visit, I knew they were there for me if I needed them.   What a blessing!

And today, instead of feeling bitter and angry toward that person, I feel at peace with myself.

Thank you God for your wisdom!