Thursday, April 14, 2011


How is it possible to awaken in the morning and the first thoughts flooding your mind are self-loathing, guilt, and self-hate?  Everyone keeps assuring us that "tough love" is what our daughter needs at this point in her life.  However, as a mother, I am obsessed with wondering if she is okay, wondering if she has food to eat, wondering if she has her medication, just wondering about her in general.  I think possibly that 'wondering' is the incorrect word.  More aptly put, it would be worried...worried, fearful, upset, concerned...I could go on, but honestly, no words can accurately describe what is happening in my heart, in my soul.  I do not know what to do.  Should I try to reach out to her, only to be 'slapped in the face again'?  No, she did not literally slap me in the face.  But, she was verbally abusive.  Words do hurt.   I would have rather been slapped.  Physical pain can be dealt with much easier than mental anguish.  At least, that is my opinion.

I do not know.  I feel like I am losing my mind.  I can barely function.  Please, just give my mind some peace, some relief.     Where did it all go wrong?  How did it all go wrong?  Again, everyone keeps saying this is 'her path', 'her choices', her this, her that...sometimes that makes it even know that she is choosing to 'hate' us.   I do not understand.  We made mistakes like all other parents.  But they were not so monumental that we deserve the treatment we are receiving.  She was never deprived of love or food or anything.  We took care of her for 28 years.  One person says she resents us for having to depend on us for so long and now the dependence has turned into entitlement.  I just keep wondering why.  I cannot get this out of my mind.  Sometimes, I even wonder why I exist any longer.  I wonder how I continue without this part of my soul in my life.

1 comment:

  1. You are your daughter's guiding light. Your light will always be there for her to show her the path that is the safest. Don't let your sad spirit dim your gift. She may come back seeking the way. I tell myself that everyday I wake up sad. My love for my son makes my light shine even though my hope has diminished.