Monday, April 25, 2011

Today is the first day of the rest of my life...

Well is not that just a wonderful thought!!!! (sarcasm duly noted)
Chaos at Orion...NASA PHOTO
 Chaos in my mind!  If only it were that beautiful!

Anyway, I joined an online book club.  Okay, so it is online.  However it is still contact with the 'outer world'.  We are reading a book titled "The Help".  Within the first few pages something truly grabbed my attention.  So, of course I 'bookmarked and highlighted' the section on my Nook. (A hated but necessary gadget for me...I can enlarge the text!)  The woman in the book had been through some terrible pains in her life.  The last one was too much to bear.  This is the quote, "I seen something in me had changed.  A bitter seed was planted inside a me.  And I just didn't feel so accepting anymore."
Oh my goodness.  Can I relate.  While I try to fight this 'bitterness' with all that is inside of me, sometimes I feel it there, controlling my thoughts and some of my actions.  It is not evil.  It is a 'test'.  I remember the events that led up to this 'bitter seed' being planted in me.  Events I have yet to let go.  Sometimes life can be overwhelmingly painful and in spite of ones faith, an attitude of not feeling accepting of other people can become a part of the self.  In my opinion, everyone handles this differently.  Some people express it through anger.  But, me...I express it by becoming isolated and depressed and lonely.  Which is worse?  For me, anger is worse because you have the potential to hurt other people.  Believe me, I do not get ANY satisfaction from hurting others.  That is one reason why certain people are no longer in my life.  Just because THEY hurt ME to the core, is no excuse for me to take REVENGE upon them.  In my opinion, sometimes this is the only way to deal with people who have inflicted their wrath upon you.  You forgive them and move on with your life.  You do not have to continue to subject yourself to their abuse.  Probably, all it would take for them to again be a part of my life is a simple, "I'm sorry".   I feel shunned by them because they will not reach out.  With all the history I have with these people, it is THEIR turn to reach out.  Their silence speaks volumes and it is saying to me that I am not important enough for them to extend their hand.   BUT, even if they somehow found the EMPATHY to apologize, they would be a part of my life in a different way.  It would never be the same as before...I do not think I could allow myself to ever truly trust them again.  My faith commands forgiveness.  But it does not command tolerating abuse.  Maybe I am wrong.  Maybe one day I will view all of this differently.  Not now.  Not yet.

Bitter seed, oh, bitter seed,
Please don't turn my life into a bitter weed.

I am not very good at 'weeding'.

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