DEPRESSION, LOSS, TRUST, CHOICES

Below are quotes from the book Prozac Nation...I have never read it.  I found these quotes on the internet.  But they speak to me like no person can speak.  They reach me in a way that no one or nothing else has ever reached me.  This is me.  This is who I am and have always been for as long as I can remember.  How did this happen to me?  Genetics and environment.  Choices.  Even though I feel I sometimes have no control over my life, every day I make choices.  Conscious or unconscious, they are choices.  I choose to isolate myself.  I choose to be depressed.  I choose to be lonely.  THESE STATEMENTS MAKE ME SO ANGRY. 
 

 I do not feel like it is my choice.  I feel as if some other entity in my subconscious is choosing for me.  A part of me loves people.  Another part of me loves to get out and enjoy music, dancing, shopping, dining out, etc. And yet another part of me would love to invite people over to my home, if I had friends to invite.  So, why do I sit here and watch life pass me by.  FEAR.  I am afraid to be alive.  I am afraid to live in the world.  This state is so painful and most people do not understand.   How could they unless they are going through the same thing?  I need to connect with someone who understands.  I need to not be lonely.  I need to not feel alone in the world.  There has only been one person in my life that has ever reached the "real" me.  He was a mentor and a teacher.  He was the one who taught me to love, to be kind, to have empathy.  I am not speaking of romantic love.  I am speaking of true friendship or so I thought.  Something that rarely comes along in life.   Finally, I had an honest, open connection to another human being.  He demolished all the walls that kept me imprisoned, that surrounded my heart from not only myself, but all others in the universe.  It was a gift from God.  He knew all my ugliness and still let me in his life.  He took under his wing this pitiful broken child that could not stand on her own; needy, clinging to his every word for survival; suffocating and drowning in the tears of the past.  I think he really did care about my pain and my loneliness.  I think he truly wanted to help.  I let my guard down.  I trusted.  Then everything went awry.  I do not know the reasons nor can I  comprehend them.  It must have been my fault because anyone that I ever try to get close to leaves me or dies.  It goes way back, my problems with letting people get close to me.  That is another very long story for another time.  Albeit, he is no longer in my life.  Another choice "I" made because I could not believe he cared for me any longer.  It did not matter what he said, what words he used.  Anything that he uttered, I no longer believed.  That is my biggest flaw--not being able to trust.  I have many flaws, but this one is a curse.  It is ruining my life. He could not convince me that he still wanted to help me.  So I just disappeared from his life, without a word, without a call, without a response to his phone calls and email.  What kind of person am I to do this after almost 20 years of "friendship".  Or was it not friendship in the first place.  Maybe I was delusional.  Abandon before being abandoned.  I am losing my mind.  Second guessing every decision I make...is it right, is it wrong; do I stay, do I go.  Am I so insignificant that I  matter to no one.  Am I hurting everyone?  I think I am.  But then I think, how can you hurt anyone when you are invisible...When no one on earth knows you exist.  My intentions are not to hurt anyone.  I honestly do not know.  God, I need help.  That is a plea God...fill this empty nobody with your grace.

The following are quotes and not my writing:

I start to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer,  that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don't know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?  I don't know the answer,  I know only that I can't. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.
Elizabeth Wurtzel
From Book Prozac Nation

In a strange way, I had fallen in love with my depression. Dr. Sterling was right about that. I loved it because I thought it was all I had. I thought depression was the part of my character that made me worthwhile. I thought so little of myself, felt that I had such scant offerings to give to the world, that the one thing that justified my existence at all was my agony."
Elizabeth Wurtzel
From Book Prozac Nation

I have studiously tried to avoid ever using the word 'madness' to describe my condition. Now and again, the word slips out, but I hate it. 'Madness' is too glamorous a term to convey what happens to most people who are losing their minds. That word is too exciting, too literary, too interesting in its connotations, to convey the boredom, the slowness, the dreariness, the dampness of depression.
Elizabeth Wurtzel
From Book Prozac Nation

I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible...
Elizabeth Wurtzel

From Book Prozac Nation