TO MY FORMER Esteemed ‘TEACHER’

From:  Most of us...

If you decided to come to this link and are reading this, you will know that this particular post is for you, my former, esteemed ‘teacher’.  I have been in much turmoil about the way my ‘classes’ with you ended.  It was not the healthy way to ‘drop out of school’, but it was the only way I could walk away without breaking. 

My decision to let you see this link was difficult, but I felt you deserved an explanation for my actions.  After all, I took many ‘classes’ from you and for many years I thrived under your ‘tutelage’. For that I am eternally grateful.  My ‘grades’ were not always the best, but I tried very hard to excel in your ‘class’.  I think you would agree with that statement.

Can't Cry Hard Enough

THE CHOICE

When darkness comes and leaves me here,

I feel safe from my greatest fear.

I can’t leave now, I could not face

Being alone in life’s long race.

The life I’ve lead has felt so wrong.

It seems unreal and very long.

I do not know which path to take.

Each step is filled with fear and ache.

The road ahead is insecure—

How will I ever know for sure

The choice I make will lead my life

To happiness or endless strife.

I can’t depend on others’ strength

To lead me through my life at length.

I must emerge my inner self,

To take control of life itself.

9/30/1989

Every moment in life is a learning experience...

Never regret what made you smile.  Just learn from the tears that followed.
Author Unknown

Without darkness there is no light.  (Bound to be a quote that I heard).

Life can be a difficult thing.  Especially when you are young.  There is a delicate balance in opening your heart too much or keeping it guarded and closed.  We need people.  But, in our humanity, we hurt others and others hurt us.  The only way to become more is in relationship to others.  It is the only way to grow our spirits.  Just remember that after the storm, there comes the rainbow and then the sun.

Exercise starts today!

Well, I finally did it...I went to my Physical Therapy clinic and joined their little gym.  So we will see if it lasts...but it was doctor's orders...so I better make it last!  It is so nice and quiet there.  It is not a "meat market" if you know what I mean.  Before I went to exercise, I went to my new teacher's gathering place and just "hung out" for a couple of hours...started typing my poems on my computer...some of them were from 1989...whoa!!  And back then, it was all rhyming poems.  Funny!!

"Pick up the Glass" (Meus Vicis idea)

While I do have my own writings, I have not posted them yet.  I have to find them in the mess that is upstairs, left from the passing of my Mom.  I have not finished going through the things I brought from "home".  Home that is no longer "home".  It is gone forever from my life.  I will never enter that space again except in my memory, where it lingers, haunts and consumes my being.  I am lost.  I am a wandering traveler, with no place to rest my weary bones.  I am searching for the place where I will feel I belong, where at last I will be able to feel my soul at peace.  It has been a long journey with so many pit stops and dead ends.  But, today I am going to "pick up my glass" (Meus Vicis idea) and try to take my "parched" soul out of the desert,  if only for a moment.  "We don't remember days.  We remember moments". (not sure of author, will have to look it up and post it later>)

I found this poem by someone else that I want to share:

Brandi Carlile~~Again Today

I was going to post the words...but then I found this instead!!

The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions

" 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions' is a proverb or aphorism. It is thought to have originated with Saint Bernard of Clairvaux who wrote, 'L'enfer est plein de bonnes volontés et désirs' (Hell is full of good intentions or desires).  The meaning of the phrase is that individuals may do bad things even though they intend the results to be good.  When judging intentions, people are more likely to interpret good intentions for their own actions than they are for those of others.  The saying may also explain the behavior of passive-aggressive or controlling individuals who use the excuse of 'good intentions' to intentionally" (yet in a clandestine way) do something harmful to another person.  In this case, it is my opinion, the person's subconscious has taken over reality and they acutally believe  that their actions were not harmful in any way.   It is possible that their state of mind is anger and hurt, which is two sides of the same coin. Most likely this is driving their actions.  

DEPRESSION, LOSS, TRUST, CHOICES

Below are quotes from the book Prozac Nation...I have never read it.  I found these quotes on the internet.  But they speak to me like no person can speak.  They reach me in a way that no one or nothing else has ever reached me.  This is me.  This is who I am and have always been for as long as I can remember.  How did this happen to me?  Genetics and environment.  Choices.  Even though I feel I sometimes have no control over my life, every day I make choices.  Conscious or unconscious, they are choices.  I choose to isolate myself.  I choose to be depressed.  I choose to be lonely.  THESE STATEMENTS MAKE ME SO ANGRY. 
 

Oh Happy Day!!

Well, February 14, 2011...Happy Valentine's Day...whoo hoo!

Need to figure out what to do with my life.  I feel like an empty nobody.  I want to do something...anything...everything.  The fear keeps me trapped in a prison of my own creation.  Help me...NO, help yourself.  Shake off the dust and make a move, make a decision, stop living in this limbo. 

Ah, if it were only that simple.  If...

Winter Cold...chills me to the bone.

It is so cold.  Water spewing out of the front faucet...pipe burst and plumber on his way to fix it! 

Think about why things happen...I believe it all happens for a reason...that reason being called growing pains.  It seems growing pains happen all your life.  Never too old to grow.  Grow and learn that is how it is supposed to work...not!!  Grow and HURT and learn.  Okay so I am in the hurting stage.  Don't know who to trust.  I try to be a good person.  But I guess I am not trying hard enough.  I miss my daughter.  I don't understand what I am supposed to learn from this experience.    But I love her no matter what.  And I hope sometime she will come back into my life.