Thinking of you

I suppose it is normal to wonder how you are; what you are doing; are you a grandfather again?  I don't know if you ever see this page, but if you do, I want you to know that you are still in my mind.  I still miss your "classes" and the knowledge you could impart.  I miss your sarcasm.  I wish that I could have "graduated" and received my diploma.  But we don't always get what we want in this life.  Just know that I am trying to survive the best way that I know how.  I am writing again.  I know you would say that this is a helpful "assignment".  And I agree.  It is helpful.  It would be more helpful if I knew you were reading it.  CHOICES.  Oh well, such is life--full of disappointments, trials and tribulations.  I am still waiting for happiness to find its way into my heart.  But, of all people you know the best how many scars have disfigured it; how many walls protect it.  I hope life is treating you well.

Message from God...on my face book page

To believe without seeing...

On my face book page, I use an application called "Message from God".
Here is the message:

"ON THIS DAY GOD WANTS YOU TO KNOW

... that it's time you stopped hiding from life, and said yes to the adventure of being alive. Enough of the routine already. Go on, have an adventure, - do what you always wanted deep within your heart. Do what brings you alive, and the universe will open doors where there were only walls."

A Day Outside of my life...

Life...

It was cold.  It was beautiful.  There was snow everywhere.  The waves rushing in and crashing against the rocks reminded me of life.  The water rushes in and some of it settles in the sand, forever changing its composition.  Then, the rest returns back to sea, forever changing memory.  That is life.  People and events come and go.  Some leave beautiful changes on our Soul.  Others leave indelible scars that never truly heal.  But most go unnoticed as we scurry through life.  We need to live in the moment, mindful of every breath we take, every awesome energy we touch.   I felt free.  I was a part of nature, a part of the universe.

Is this how it feels to be alive?

So Much Suffering in the World

There are a lot of people suffering with fatal diseases, physical disabilites, etc.  This bothers me greatly.  While I do have a LOT of physical and medical problems, mostly auto-immune and nerve disorders, my most disabling disease is mental.  No I am not crazy or psychotic.  That would be preferable to knowing and remembering.  The memories are never far from the surface.  Sometimes, that is what controls my life.  I look down and see myself living in this fog.  I get lost and do not know the direction I am going.  I feel mentally anguished. 

But today I am going to fly away.  When I look down I will see the earth and clouds.  I will land at a new destination.  Hopefully this will keep at bay, at least temporarily, the pain of my existence.

ALS Faces and Facts of ALS/ TO MY GODMOTHER and all who have ALS

ALS/Lou Gehrig's Disease aka My Beloved Godmother

Here we go again.  Another person in my life is faced with a fatal disease.  Let's see, there was my cousin...Waegner's Granulomotosis. Age 50.  There was my sister-in-law...stage 4 colon cancer that had metastasized to the liver. Age 51.  And now my Godmother...ALS.  Age 73.  Although she feels blessed to have lived this long without the disease.  Her father died when she was 10 from ALS (in 1947 they called it MS because ALS was not an official diagnosis).  I don't understand why all of this happens.  But then, I am not supposed to understand.  I am supposed to know that bad things happen to good people (a book by Harold Kushner) and that it is all randomness.

Letting go is painful...

Losing someone we are close to is a difficult, painful process.  Whether it is through death or separation, we all must go through the grieving process.   Grieving is not just crying.  It is going through many different stages:  Denial, anger, bargaining, sadness/despair, and finally acceptance.  (I think this is from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.)    In my opinion this is the only way to heal.  We go through this process with God's help.  Each stage serves a purpose and brings understanding to what is happening to us.  Nothing can make the pain stop except time.  Trying to avoid it by filling the void with substances or another person only prolongs our grief.  Of course we need support and comfort, but we need these to get through the process, not instead of it.