“LIFE IS SHORT”

'The journey through life is not supposed to be easy; it is supposed to be real.'

Before I begin on the topic about which I have chosen to write, I would like to make one statement.  As I have stated on my ‘mantra’ page, I am Christian.  However, I believe that we can learn many things from other philosophies and other religions.  Life is a journey. Why not be open to all inspirational things that can help us walk on our path with less difficulty, less stress, less negativity, less judgments and NO labels?  I strive to be real, because to pretend is unkind, not only to yourself but to all people you encounter.  To feign, in my opinion is the worst emotional injustice you can inflict on others.  Well, with all that said, here is my post.

THIS IS IN MEMORY OF A FALLEN SOLDIER.  I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH HIS MOTHER.  FOR PRIVACY REASONS I WILL NOT REVEAL ANY NAMES.  BUT, HE DIED AT THE TENDER AGE OF TWENTY SIX.  THIS QUOTE WAS ON THE BACK OF THE MEMORIAL SERVICE LEAFLET. 

“Life is Short”

Four Mind Changes:

A reminder of the reality of Karma.

Please reflect on the following:

“  I.   I have been blessed with a life in which I can do many things to further my own happiness and the happiness of those around me.  It would be a shame to waste this wondrous opportunity by engaging in useless and meaningless activities; it would be a pity to waste this life by not fulfilling one’s spiritual potential.

 II.  Life is short:  There’s no time to waste.  Reflecting upon death is not meant to be a morbid practice.  In fact, it can have the opposite effect; it can help ground us in the here and now and make us appreciate the wonderful miracle of life each moment as it’s given to us now.

III.  The journey through life isn’t supposed to be easy; it’s supposed to be real.  Regularly contemplating the travails of our journey helps us to stay realistic about what life is and is not.  Do not be depressed by these thoughts.  Instead, recognize the joys that can be found by staying grounded and real.  Every dip and rise, every twist and turn is part of the infinite journey; why turn aside from any of it.

IV.  Our Karma is the one thing we carry with us always.  Thinking about your karma helps you face the truth about your own experience, it helps you make changes when necessary.  Do not think about changing anybody else’s behavior—just your own.  What can you do today to change the way you feel tomorrow?”  

---Lama Surya Das

When I first read this, I was at a loss for words.  My thoughts were about the parents and how to cope with the death of a child; for truly, it is not the norm for a child to leave this world first.  But, it does happen.  However, this young man’s memorial service was not focused on the living, not selfishly created for those left behind.  It was a celebration of his life.  It was facing the reality that our time on this earth is limited and uncertain.  Even through the death of a child, we live on and must create a new path for ourselves; a path that no longer includes a part of our being—a creation and gift from God, Creator, Higher Power, Source or any other word of your choice—our child.

If you read my blog, you will know that my daughter has been estranged from us for a while now…HER CHOICE not mine.  It has felt similar to a ‘death’.  This is her path, her karma.  Finally, I have decided that I can no longer be depressed by her actions.  While, it still hurts very much, I have to move on with my life.  I can no longer be stagnant.  The only growth while being stagnant is algae.  If you were to define algae it means any group of lower plants having chlorophyll but not a vascular system.  So what does this mean?  The etymology of vascular is Latin vascularis, from Latin vasculum small vessel, diminutive of vas vase, vessel.  In reference to our human body, vascular is all about the heart, the blood, the flow of life.  I can no longer allow my heart to not beat.  I can no longer live outside of life.  I need to fill my vessel with life giving force.  I need to flow like a river. I must create a new path with every current that ‘twists and turns’ and changes the boundaries of its banks —my life. 

This is life.  I have to live.  I cannot change her behavior, but I can change my own.  So, today I am going to pray that I can do something to change the way I feel tomorrow.

THE END OF THE WORLD by Skeeter Davis

Near the End

By Caprice

Alone again her heart is dying

Weeping inside her soul is crying.

Facing the reflection in the water

Shattered by what life had brought her.

Looking back on mistakes she made

Hope and happiness begin to fade.

Drifting into a black abyss

Seeing just dark and loneliness

Falling deeper the end is near

Her eyes no longer shed a tear.

All at once she sees a light

Then a voice cries out, Please fight!

A familiar presence she knows so well

What could it be?  She cannot tell.

She opens her eyes to see a face

Within the arms a warm embrace.

He speaks to her in a gentle tone

Fear not, you are no longer alone.

She asks in wonder, Are you my Savior?

Will I be forgiven of my behavior?

Smiling to this he did reply

I do not judge nor ask you “Why?”

Searching for answers she looked around

Why did you save me before I drowned?

He said to her in a whispering voice,

I could not help it, I had no choice.

For I too have been near the end

Now I come to you as a friend.

Happy Mother's Day

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY...AND DO NOT FORGET TO LOOK UP!

Oh, Mother, where art thou?

My wish for all mothers:  I hope you have a safe, joy-filled day with your children.

If that is not possible, then remember to look up.  Look at the sky, the trees; feel the warmth of the sun and the breeze upon your skin.  Look beyond the clouds and imagine what lies behind them, blocking your view.  It is an amazing universe for which we have much to be thankful.

ALLS WELL THAT ENDS WELL...WHO KNOWS??

Well, the phone delivery was made yesterday evening.  I was so anxious before that I had to call my therapist for support.  She wanted to know how I felt about giving her another phone.  I told her I felt good about it, because I did not want our daughter to be without any way to contact someone if she needed help.  And besides, when we made this "agreement" with our daughter, we said we would provide a cell phone.  So there, short and to the point, was my answer.  IT IS OKAY TO GIVE HER THE PHONE.  She said, "You do it because it makes you feel better.  You do it because it gives you peace."  So how wrong can it be.  All in all, I think it went well.  I helped her learn the basic functions, because it is one of those 'new fangled gadgets'.  (Did I just make up that word 'fangled'...cannot find it in my electronic dictionary).  In fact, her first words when she saw it were, "It's one of those touch screen phones...I don't know if I can figure it out."  I ended up staying on the porch with her for probably about forty minutes.  It was a relief to see her after almost a year.  She looked okay.  She did not look happy, but I think there is a LOT for which she has to be unhappy...so that was not a surprise.

TODAY...LIFE IS GOOD!

UNTIL...I went to group.  It is very difficult to go there.  But, I think it is a way to get out of the house.  Hey, it is a way to get me into something other than my 'hanging around the house' clothes.  It forces me to move.  There...positive affirmations about the group!!   I am trying.  I should at least get an 'A' for effort...or a sticker...or a gold star...or something!!! "ANYONE, ANYONE....BUELLER, Ferris, are you there?"

A WEAK MOMENT/MOMENTS

Well, I suppose my husband and I have totally screwed up the "tough love" routine.  When we realized that our daughter's only contact with the 'outside' world (HER BOYFRIEND'S CELL PHONE) was probably going to be cut off, we went to our phone carrier, changed our plan and purchased her a NEW phone.  I do not know if this is a mistake or not.  I do not think I care.  The thought of her totally stranded in an apartment without a car, without a phone, was just too much to comprehend.  So, finally after months of no contact, I had a response from an email (not a very appreciative one, I might add), and a few text messages...short and to the point.  But, hey, it is CONTACT.  No, my hopes are not up.  She will most likely just take the phone and walk away.  I imagine we did this for our peace of mind...  Just in case she might ever need us...just in case she might ever decide to ask us for help...??????

WHAT A JOKE.

TOUGH LOVE = DEPRESSION, GUILT, SELF-HATE, SELF-BLAME etc., etc.

How is it possible to awaken in the morning and the first thoughts flooding your mind are self-loathing, guilt, and self-hate?  Everyone keeps assuring us that "tough love" is what our daughter needs at this point in her life.  However, as a mother, I am obsessed with wondering if she is okay, wondering if she has food to eat, wondering if she has her medication, just wondering about her in general.  I think possibly that 'wondering' is the incorrect word.  More aptly put, it would be worried...worried, fearful, upset, concerned...I could go on, but honestly, no words can accurately describe what is happening in my heart, in my soul.  I do not know what to do.  Should I try to reach out to her, only to be 'slapped in the face again'?  No, she did not literally slap me in the face.  But, she was verbally abusive.  Words do hurt.   I would have rather been slapped.  Physical pain can be dealt with much easier than mental anguish.  At least, that is my opinion.

I do not know.  I feel like I am losing my mind.  I can barely function.  Please, just give my mind some peace, some relief.     Where did it all go wrong?  How did it all go wrong?  Again, everyone keeps saying this is 'her path', 'her choices', her this, her that...sometimes that makes it even worse...to know that she is choosing to 'hate' us.   I do not understand.  We made mistakes like all other parents.  But they were not so monumental that we deserve the treatment we are receiving.  She was never deprived of love or food or anything.  We took care of her for 28 years.  One person says she resents us for having to depend on us for so long and now the dependence has turned into entitlement.  I just keep wondering why.  I cannot get this out of my mind.  Sometimes, I even wonder why I exist any longer.  I wonder how I continue without this part of my soul in my life.

Her Way or The Highway

I cannot stop thinking about her.  I am afraid for her.  Is it an illness or is it something totally different.  Something for which I have no words.  Everyone says "tough love" is the solution.  Let me tell you what "tough love" means to me.  First, there are the nightmares that make you wake up crying.  Let us talk about the guilt of feeling you have abandoned a part of your soul.  Then there is the fear of not knowing what will happen if she would get evicted from her apartment.  And then by gosh, there is the PAIN of loving someone so much and not wanting them to suffer.  The futlileness of being alive without them in your life.  But, that leads us to CHOICES.  This is the path she has chosen.  We have given and offered so many times to help.  We can no longer keep up the offers.  Not when she will not budge an inch.  Not when the word "compromise" is not in her vocabulary.  Relationships are two way streets.  Not a 'one way' highway where she is the "eighteen wheeler" barrelling down the highway ready to run over and destroy the very people trying to help her.  How did this happen?  When did she change?  Why did she change so suddenly?  Is it because of all that happened to her--her past haunting her?  Is it the dreaded Huntington's disease?  I need answers.  Please GOD, give me answers.  Maybe I will not like what I hear...but it would be much better than the silence I am living in right now.  The silence is deafening.  The silence is cruel.  Please, please I need answers.  Let me know what is the best path to take for everyone concerned.

Please Come To Boston in The Springtime....

The Purple Shamrock



To be anonymous in the city, walking on the crowded street alone, trying to absorb the beauty and the culture which is so different from where I live.  Friendly people, even at the toll booths...it was awesome, while it lasted.  But, back to reality it is for another day, week, month, year...do we know for how long?  No. No. NO.  If she still has a conscious, under all that anger and pain, regrets will fill her soul until there is no room for anything but...
I hope this is not the case.  I hope it is all resolved one day.  I hope she comes back to the one's that love her more than life itself.  I hope it won't be too late. 


 


Elie Wiesel Boston University
Judaic Studies
Elie Wiesel Foundation

 And then, I was looking for your face, on the street, in the museum, at the airport.  But you were no where to be seen...Boston was more than I could have ever imagined.  Lost, an angel lead me to the Boston University, the building for Judaic Studies for Elie Wiesel. It was purely an accident that I stumbled upon this beautiful place.  I had no idea this was here.  It was not on the list of sights to visit. I knew Elie was affiliated with Boston University.  But, how did I end up parked right in front of this building.  Was it coincidence?  Was it luck?  Was it fate?  Suddenly, I felt the connection that has eluded me, especially in the past few months.  I knew that I missed your presence in my life.  It was at that moment I became totally aware that you would always be a part of my life; a part of who I have become.  You traveled with me through the desert of my soul.  I am grateful to have had you in my life.  We shared very much over the years.  And, finally I got to experience in person some of the most cherished memories of the time we spent in each others life.




The Home of Samuel Bak
Pucker Gallery, Boston Massachusetts 

 Seeing his paintings in real life was one of the most awesome experiences I had on this trip.  Looking through his books pales in comparison to the actual paintings.  I could see the pain.  I could feel the pain swelling up in my soul; the similarities of experience; the sorrow in the eyes; and the eyes that could not see;  The broken trees; disconnection; smoke; broken dreams; broken promises--The Landscape where there is no language except the tears of the soul.  A landscape of which I am familiar.

This was near the end of my journey.
This was near the end. 
This was near.
This was. 
This.

Family hurting family...

Why do people want to hurt each other?  There is no good answer.  But when your own family intentionally makes fun of you and hurts you, then thinks they have done nothing wrong...this is the worst feeling imaginable.  My sister's daughter said this about my daughter, "she is a few fries short of a happy meal"; "Looks like someone needs to take her meds, LMAO",  and did this publicly on her sister in laws face book page.  They were all making fun of her and calling her names.  They are not free from problems.  They all have their own issues.  But, do I make fun of them and humiliate them publicly.  NO!  I would never do that to anyone, much less my FAMILY. 

My Child by Plumb

When they are young, a child steps on your toes.
When they are older, they step on your heart.

I have 28 years of wonderful memories and I feel blessed.  I hope someday we will make more memories together.
Love, MOM

To My Daughter

One day, you will realize how life is short...how it passes you by in the blink of an eye.  The truth about humans is that we never know how long we have here on this earth.  We could die at any moment.  Several years ago, I gave you a book and cd "I Hope You Dance".  I still hope with all of my heart that one day you will "dance".  I do not understand the choices you have made, but they are YOUR CHOICES.  I am still here for you, but you cannot blame me for all of your mistakes.  I will not accept that responsibility.  You are a grown woman and if you do not want to be a part of my life, there is really nothing more I can do.  I have tried everything I can think of to reach out to you.  You will not reach back.  If you ever reach out, I am here...waiting for you to return...Waiting for who you truly are to return. I do not recognize you any longer.  I hope you never have any regrets.  My heart is deeply saddened.  Deep down you must be sad too.  It is hard for me to believe that you have lost all the memories we shared together.  Yes, we had some rough times...but we also had many beautiful moments.  Many more good moments than bad are what I remember.  I love you. I always will.  All that I ask from you is for respect as your mother.  Until you can find that in your heart, nothing will ever change.  You will continue on your downward spiral and I will continue to hurt for you.  This is your choice.  I cannot choose the life you lead. 

Please hurry back.