BEHIND SHATTERED GLASS

Photo by Nikko Gibbler

I sit behind shattered glass,

Sometimes quietly,

But most times tormented,

Watching—

My vision distorted, as life passes by.

The sun rises in all its glory

Casting its light upon the earth,

Awakening the world to the beauty which abounds.

But, I see only the shadows.

The sun sets,

Leaving behind a trail of majestic colors

For all to view,

As a reminder of the coming of a new day

Filled with hope and promises.

But, I see only clouds of gray.

The moon and the stars fill the night sky

With a gentle tranquility,

So the world may slumber in fearless peace.

But, I see only darkness.

As I sit behind this glass.

In loneliness and solitude,

I desperately wonder why it had to be shattered;

Why some were spared the violent storms

And were left unscathed,

Their vision filled with the beauty of life.

The only answer fills my heart with pain and grief—

Fate is cruel; life is unkind;

And evil runs rampant and unleashed in the world, beyond

The Shattered Glass.

6-19-1994  Please do not copy.  Copyright protected.  Any use or reproduction is unauthorized.

Ray Lamontagne...EMPTY....Till the Sun Turns Black

WILL I ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY...

SO EMPTY...

SO WEARY...

WILL NO ONE HEAR ME...

THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND...

WHY SO MANY PEOPLE LIE...

IT'S THE HURT I HAVE THAT FUELS THE FIRE INSIDE...

WILL I ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY...

SO EMPTY...

THE END OF THE WORLD by Skeeter Davis

Near the End

By Caprice

Alone again her heart is dying

Weeping inside her soul is crying.

Facing the reflection in the water

Shattered by what life had brought her.

Looking back on mistakes she made

Hope and happiness begin to fade.

Drifting into a black abyss

Seeing just dark and loneliness

Falling deeper the end is near

Her eyes no longer shed a tear.

All at once she sees a light

Then a voice cries out, Please fight!

A familiar presence she knows so well

What could it be?  She cannot tell.

She opens her eyes to see a face

Within the arms a warm embrace.

He speaks to her in a gentle tone

Fear not, you are no longer alone.

She asks in wonder, Are you my Savior?

Will I be forgiven of my behavior?

Smiling to this he did reply

I do not judge nor ask you “Why?”

Searching for answers she looked around

Why did you save me before I drowned?

He said to her in a whispering voice,

I could not help it, I had no choice.

For I too have been near the end

Now I come to you as a friend.

Happy Mother's Day

Today is the first day of the rest of my life...

Well is not that just a wonderful thought!!!! (sarcasm duly noted)

Chaos at Orion...NASA PHOTO

 Chaos in my mind!  If only it were that beautiful!

Anyway, I joined an online book club.  Okay, so it is online.  However it is still contact with the 'outer world'.  We are reading a book titled "The Help".  Within the first few pages something truly grabbed my attention.  So, of course I 'bookmarked and highlighted' the section on my Nook. (A hated but necessary gadget for me...I can enlarge the text!)  The woman in the book had been through some terrible pains in her life.  The last one was too much to bear.  This is the quote, "I seen something in me had changed.  A bitter seed was planted inside a me.  And I just didn't feel so accepting anymore."
Oh my goodness.  Can I relate.  While I try to fight this 'bitterness' with all that is inside of me, sometimes I feel it there, controlling my thoughts and some of my actions.  It is not evil.  It is a 'test'.  I remember the events that led up to this 'bitter seed' being planted in me.  Events I have yet to let go.  Sometimes life can be overwhelmingly painful and in spite of ones faith, an attitude of not feeling accepting of other people can become a part of the self.  In my opinion, everyone handles this differently.  Some people express it through anger.  But, me...I express it by becoming isolated and depressed and lonely.  Which is worse?  For me, anger is worse because you have the potential to hurt other people.  Believe me, I do not get ANY satisfaction from hurting others.  That is one reason why certain people are no longer in my life.  Just because THEY hurt ME to the core, is no excuse for me to take REVENGE upon them.  In my opinion, sometimes this is the only way to deal with people who have inflicted their wrath upon you.  You forgive them and move on with your life.  You do not have to continue to subject yourself to their abuse.  Probably, all it would take for them to again be a part of my life is a simple, "I'm sorry".   I feel shunned by them because they will not reach out.  With all the history I have with these people, it is THEIR turn to reach out.  Their silence speaks volumes and it is saying to me that I am not important enough for them to extend their hand.   BUT, even if they somehow found the EMPATHY to apologize, they would be a part of my life in a different way.  It would never be the same as before...I do not think I could allow myself to ever truly trust them again.  My faith commands forgiveness.  But it does not command tolerating abuse.  Maybe I am wrong.  Maybe one day I will view all of this differently.  Not now.  Not yet.

Bitter seed, oh, bitter seed,
Please don't turn my life into a bitter weed.


I am not very good at 'weeding'.

A New Group

Why????



BECAUSE, I am trying to expand the people in my life that can support me, encourage me, and help with this loneliness that continues to plague me.  Today, I went to a "purpose" group for women.  The "purpose" being to try and figure out what one wants from life; to figure out who you are at this point in time.   I probably would not have gone, except for the encouragement of the ONE friend that I do have in my life.  I was so anxious when I first arrived.  I thought, what have I gotten myself into now.  But as it turns out, it was not as bad as I had anticipated.  The other ladies were nice.  I felt bad for a couple of them.  They were using walkers to get around.  They need kindness in their lives.  I need to show kindness.  I like to help people.  So maybe this is a good thing.  ????

THE VORTEX

The Vortex

"We are either the masters or the victims of our attitudes.  It is a matter of personal choice.  Who we are today is the result of choices we made yesterday. Tomorrow, we will become what we choose today.  To change means to choose to change."

John Maxwell

So what will it be?  Will I continue to be a victim of my loneliness?  Or can I find the courage to reach out of this void into the fullness of life?

Nothing changes...nothing stays the same

What a cluster....Christmas and New Years...no family...daughter no where to be seen...alone again...only my husband...

Oh, yes--facebook!

Time to check my facebook page...see all the other people that don't seem lonely or are they??  All these people trying to connect through comments and links and pictures and who knows what else...could it be we are all lonely?  Just afraid to admit our situation...

Alone in the crowd

Isolated...in the midst of a crowd.  Why is there no connecton?  How can I move into life?  It is getting so hard to live with so much loneliness in spite of friends and therapists...where to go from here?