~ Living in Loneliness

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

"Pick up the Glass" (Meus Vicis idea)

While I do have my own writings, I have not posted them yet. I have to find them in the mess that is upstairs, left from the passing of my Mom. I have not finished going through the things I brought from "home". Home that is no longer "home". It is gone forever from my life. I will never enter that space again except in my memory, where it lingers, haunts and consumes my being. I am lost. I am a wandering traveler, with no place to rest my weary bones. I am searching for the place where I will feel I belong, where at last I will be able to feel my soul at peace. It has been a long journey with so many pit stops and dead ends. But, today I am going to "pick up my glass" (Meus Vicis idea) and try to take my "parched" soul out of the desert, if only for a moment. "We don't remember days. We remember moments". (not sure of author, will have to look it up and post it later>)

I found this poem by someone else that I want to share:

Brandi Carlile~~Again Today

I was going to post the words...but then I found this instead!!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions

" 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions' is a proverb or aphorism. It is thought to have originated with Saint Bernard of Clairvaux who wrote, 'L'enfer est plein de bonnes volontés et désirs' (Hell is full of good intentions or desires). The meaning of the phrase is that individuals may do bad things even though they intend the results to be good. When judging intentions, people are more likely to interpret good intentions for their own actions than they are for those of others. The saying may also explain the behavior of passive-aggressive or controlling individuals who use the excuse of 'good intentions' to intentionally" (yet in a clandestine way) do something harmful to another person. In this case, it is my opinion, the person's subconscious has taken over reality and they acutally believe that their actions were not harmful in any way. It is possible that their state of mind is anger and hurt, which is two sides of the same coin. Most likely this is driving their actions.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

DEPRESSION, LOSS, TRUST, CHOICES

Below are quotes from the book Prozac Nation...I have never read it. I found these quotes on the internet. But they speak to me like no person can speak. They reach me in a way that no one or nothing else has ever reached me. This is me. This is who I am and have always been for as long as I can remember. How did this happen to me? Genetics and environment. Choices. Even though I feel I sometimes have no control over my life, every day I make choices. Conscious or unconscious, they are choices. I choose to isolate myself. I choose to be depressed. I choose to be lonely. THESE STATEMENTS MAKE ME SO ANGRY.

Oh Happy Day!!

Well, February 14, 2011...Happy Valentine's Day...whoo hoo!

Need to figure out what to do with my life. I feel like an empty nobody. I want to do something...anything...everything. The fear keeps me trapped in a prison of my own creation. Help me...NO, help yourself. Shake off the dust and make a move, make a decision, stop living in this limbo.

Ah, if it were only that simple. If...

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Winter Cold...chills me to the bone.

It is so cold. Water spewing out of the front faucet...pipe burst and plumber on his way to fix it!

Think about why things happen...I believe it all happens for a reason...that reason being called growing pains. It seems growing pains happen all your life. Never too old to grow. Grow and learn that is how it is supposed to work...not!! Grow and HURT and learn. Okay so I am in the hurting stage. Don't know who to trust. I try to be a good person. But I guess I am not trying hard enough. I miss my daughter. I don't understand what I am supposed to learn from this experience. But I love her no matter what. And I hope sometime she will come back into my life.